As a kid growing up, my Mom would talk about Purgatory. While she never said it quite this way, I always got the impression that Purgatory was like a non-eternal Hell. That is, you went to Purgatory with a certain record of your sins on Earth, and you did your time. Then when you’d atoned for those sins, you got to go to Heaven. It was sort of a halfway house to Heaven. A long, but not eternal, lock-up where you earned your eternal salvation.

Hell was for really bad people. People who didn’t get to go to Purgatory, and then Heaven. In some ways, Purgatory was a watered down Hell. At least that’s the way I always pictured it.

And today, I’m mad as Purgatory!

I’m not quite mad as Hell. I’m not over-the-edge, actually-do-something-about-anything mad. I’m just mad enough that it’s really irritating. Frustrating. Exasperatingly ticked. But not really angry enough that it gets to me to actually act. I’ve got tasks coming out my ears…but I’m not pushed to do anything about them. I’ve got excellent plans…that remain plans. I’ve got ideas, hopes, and dreams…that lay blissfully among the clouds. But I’m stuck where I am. Not acting, or at least not acting on any of them in a substantive way.

This really came into focus during an Twitter exchange with my buddy Andrew from the UK. While his Twitter name is @Clew_less, he’s anything but clueless. He’s got a sharp wit and manages to get me thinking about things without really trying. You can send me a tin of biscuits or something later to thank me, Andrew.

But the important thing about him is that we have these short, 140 character or less, exchanges on Twitter, and then I spend a couple of days thinking about what we discussed. It’s amazing how much you can get across when you have to distill it down into 140 words thoughts.

We had gotten to talking about actually taking action. He opened by asking me about a project that I’ve been working on. Well, “working on” in the most liberal sense of the word. I started informally in about 2004, with a concerted effort to actually begin in early 2008. The actual project file is dated 2008, and I’ve been working on it at one level or another since then. Not on a regular basis, mind you, but a little bit every day.

All Andrew did was direct-tweet, “how’s your cookbook coming on?”.

That’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing deep. Nothing that was in any way controversial. But a question that stirred my soul. A question that brought on a flurry of self-criticism. A question that caused me to rethink everything that I’m not getting done. Everything that I’m not making progress on. I’ve pretty much been questioning everything about my life since Monday. Not questioning a little bit, but shaking-to-the-core questioning.

And getting mad.

But not really all that mad. Just mad enough to continue to sit here and barely make any progress. Yeah, yeah I know…some progress is progress. It’s better than sitting on the couch, eating potato chips (ok, potato crisps), and sulking. But I’m this close to doing that. I’m barely inching along. Heck, a snail just passed me and I swayed because of the wind-wash he generated.

So I was trying to figure out a way to explain to myself just how mad I am. And I realized that I’m mad as Purgatory. I’m just mad enough to not be eternally damned into anger, but I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel either. I’m inching along, head down, slogging towards somewhere, and I don’t really feel like I’m ever going to make it there. Wherever there is.

Being mad as Purgatory is, well, Purgatory in and of itself. It’s a just-on-the-brink-of-action anger. It’s frustration that doesn’t lead to action. And that adds to the frustration. It’s spectator anger…the kind that you have when you’re watching a sporting event and you get mad at your own team for stupidity. It’s the kind of mad you get when the Seattle Seahawks throw an interception on the 2 yard line to lose the Superbowl. It’s the kind of mad you get when David Beckham takes a penalty kick and misses the crossbar by a dozen yards…high. It’s the kind of mad you get when your favorite team blows an opportunity. You tell everybody around you. You explain how you could have done it better. How you would have done it better. If only you were in the game.

But alas, you’re on the sidelines.

Honestly, that’s how I feel about my life right now. I’m on the sidelines, watching things go by. I get angry about something. I want to act. I get cross, in Andrew’s words. Which to me means just angry enough to not do anything. And then it spirals downwards, getting cross about being cross. Longing to actually get cross enough to get truly angry. Then mad. Then mad as Hell. Freaking mad enough to act.

But I don’t.

I stay mad as Purgatory. Somehow the downward spiral slows just a bit. In the nick of time, I’m rescued from the ravages of being mad as Hell. I’m miffed. Ticked. Chuffed. Cross. But not mad as Hell.

I need to be there…in the mad as Hell place. I need to get into action. I need to grab all these projects and wrangle them towards movement forwards. I need to rally the troops, rouse the team, gulp some motivation…and act.

It’s not just a hope now. It’s a need. It’s not just something that I vaguely want to do, a lukewarm desire that will remain lukewarm. It’s the beginning of a burning need. A kick-butt feeling that has taken hold. A compelling call to action that has taken root in my soul.

I’m not going to stay stuck in Purgatory. I’m not going to languish here, slowly atoning for the sins of the past, progressing every so agonizingly towards wherever I’m headed. I’m gonna get mad as Hell and shake things up. I’m going to rush headlong into the future. I’m going to act, rather than react. I’m going to seize the opportunities that lay before me and tackle them with gusto. I’m going to make a difference, or I’m going to go down in flames.

Because right now it’s really clear to me…

Remaining in this mad as Purgatory state is slowly erasing me. It’s eating away at my soul. It’s driving me to distraction so subtlely that I’ve hardly noticed it happening over the years. Staying in this mad as Purgatory state isn’t going to lead to reaching my personal Heaven. It’s leading me straight to my personal Hell.

So watch out folks, I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!