Life moves in cycles. Whether you envision it as a circle, an undulating graph, a boomerang, or a möbius strip…the idea that we revisit certain patterns in life is fairly common. In many ways, this is a comforting thought. When times are tough and you’re battered by life it helps to know that things will improve. In contrast, it’s saddening, even maddening, to know that good times won’t last. Something will happen and the momentary high that you’re experiencing will be supplanted.

I used to think that the greatest joys in life were counter-balanced by lows. Times of either sadness or worse, depression. Of all the metaphors for life an undulating graph with equal highs and low resonated with me. In fact, my vision held that the graph was symmetrical, so much so that I could predict when the next swing would be. During down times, I knew I could wait a set amount of time that was roughly equal to my most recent up time, and I’d be headed back to happiness. The key element was time. Life progressed at its own pace, and I was powerless to do impact it.

As I’ve gotten older my view of life has changed. I still believe in cycles, although now I call them seasons. I realize there are good times, not-so-good times, and even bad times. Each season is an entity unto itself; time is still a measure, but it’s not a metronome. When things are good, they’ll be good for as long as they need to be, then things will change. The shift from good to not-so-good to bad isn’t a measurable, calculable slope with an easy progression from one phase to the next. Sometimes the ride is slow and smooth, with just a tiny bit less joy each day. I’ll look back after a while and realize that I’m at a low point. But the comfort I took in knowing that this season will pass is tempered by the fact that I have no idea how it will last. And to complicate matters, the rise back to utter joy and happiness may be a slow climb, or it may be a vertical jump in a matter of minutes or days.

My graph metaphor is still valid, but it doesn’t really help. Like all metaphors, it’s simply a representation of the real thing. A way to think about, and talk about, a concept that is vastly more complex.

If you’ve hung on with me this long, you’re probably asking “so what?”. It’s not like this is really news to anybody. There is nothing Earth-shattering or revolutionary here. Just the words of an old guy who’s really not all that wise.

Well, you’re right. These are just ideas that have taken a while to evolve in my mind. To congeal from the foggy musings that happen in the few quiet moments that I have.

Lately, I’ve been frustrated with my inability to manage my time and moods. I’ve been driven to anger that I can’t seem to get things done. I’m a systems guy, and I have failed to find a system that can help me manage all I have to do, the people that I interact with, and the goals I want to achieve.

I’ve worked hard at collecting all the fleeting thoughts in my brain. All the things that pop in that I think “I ought to do that”, “I need to do that”, and “Wouldn’t that be cool to do”. I’ve gotten better at it, but I’m nowhere close to capturing all of them. As I’ve collected more of the ideas that I have, I’ve begun to realize for every twenty ideas I generate, only a small fraction will ever see action. That’s driving me crazy. Rather than making progress on the captured ideas, I’ve wallowed in frustration, anger, and self-pity over all the great things I’m never going to do.

It would be far too simple to characterize this as a mid-life crisis. That puts a nice, clean set of boundaries around the problem. It provides a metaphorical description that implies that this too shall pass. It will pass, but that’s not the point.

The point is, I’ve felt powerless to do anything it. Collecting all my great ideas was supposed to free my mind to have more ideas. It’s a basic GTD concept…unclutter the mind and it will work wonders. That part is true. The less I have to store in my limited brain, the more ideas I’ve been able to generate. With my newfound capturing methodology I’ve even been able to record those ideas. But the stupid list is growing exponentially faster than my ability to get things done. When my mind used to be cluttered, I knew that I had a lot to do, but it wasn’t neatly categorized. It wasn’t captured. And it was structured in such a way that I could see how much I’m not doing. And how much I’ll never get done. Now it’s all right in front of me and it’s exasperating!

I’m a worrier by nature. I fret over things that haven’t happened yet as well as choices that I’ve made in the past. I do contingency planning for the most unlikely of occurrences because I’ve lived by the mantra better to be prepared than not. That’s added to my inability to take action. It’s caused me to overthink too many decisions, and rethink them once made. Most importantly, being a worrier has sucked much of the joy out of my life. When things are going well, I attribute it to luck. In contrast, when things are on a down-cycle, I tend to believe that it was caused by me and some less-than-optimal decision that I made.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been mulling over this conundrum. I’ve got a todo list that will never get fully completed and a bucket list that will continue to be deferred awaiting the completion of the todo’s. This introspection really struck home when I ran across the quote at the opening of this post. I realized I’m entangled in details and don’t enjoy the big picture of life. My daily drudgery of cooking, cleaning, childcare, kid transportation, household financial tracking, and working out has left me little time to sit back and enjoy the good times.

I’m so focused on the latest downturn in my emotions and life that I forget to look at the vastly greater value in the upswings. I’ve missed out on too many little joys. To use a time-worn phrase, I’ve forgotten to stop and smell the roses. Heck, I’ve stood there worrying about the potential danger the thorns on the rose branches pose rather than smelling the roses. That’s not a metaphor…I actually spent a good bit of time over the weekend worrying about the damage our rose bushes posed to Hectic Grandson. It wasn’t relevant that he was dealing with that danger perfectly well. He was smelling the buds and never once touched the thorns. But that didn’t stop me from worrying. It did divert from reveling in the fact that this 13 month-old little boy knows how to smell flowers. He knows how to watch the bees light upon the fragile new blossoms and pollinate them.

So I’m setting out on a new journey. I’m taking a cue from my little Yoda and “Enjoy life, I will”.

Life’s gonna happen. There are things I can impact and things I can’t. There will be days with challenges, and days with triumphs. Joys and sadness. Highs and lows. Good and bad. That’s life. Pretty much a duh statement, but something that I needed a 13 month-old to remind me of.

Starting today I’m going to strive to enjoy the entire journey. There’s a point when you simply have to look at where you are and revel in that moment. The sheer and utter amazement that there is so much to be thankful for, so much to enjoy, and so much to experience. I’m going to try to view the world anew.

I know full well that my todo list is going to continue to grow. I know that my bucket list is getting longer. And I know in all likelihood I will never, ever complete either of them. But life isn’t about checking off boxes or lining out items to be accomplished. It’s about living. It’s about drawing in the air around us, not through the mouth in a mechanical action that simply brings oxygen to the lungs…it’s about breathing through your nose, capturing not only the oxygen but the aromas that surround us. It’s about roses and croissants, fresh wheat bread and new mown grass, salmon on the grill and lilacs.

Henry David Thoreau has a point, you know. Our life is frittered away by detail. But rather than being the frustrating, anxiety-producing quote that I read initially…it’s really a prescription for success. Details are the real stuff of life. I’m going to start taking them in and having some fun.

How about you?