A referee is the person of authority in a variety of sports who is responsible for presiding over the game from a neutral point of view and making on-the-fly decisions that enforce the rules of the sport, including sportsmanship decisions such as ejection.
source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Referee
As a father to eight kids, I spend a lot of time arbitrating amongst my kids. There are countless battles that arise that need a third-party to intervene to keep all Hell from breaking loose. Or in some cases, from escalating from the Hell that’s already broken loose! I honestly have considered just donning my black-and-white striped referee shirt on many mornings just so everyone is clear what my role is.
But honestly, it’s not the role that I want to play with kids. While I realize that there are always going to be disputes and quarrels, I really believe that the kids should be able to resolve most of these themselves. You see, I think I’ve got a much more important role to play for my kids: Coach.
I’m not talking about the kind of parent who second-guesses the sports coaches, directing their progeny to do what’s best for them…often in direct opposition to what’s best for the team. I’m not talking about actually donning the gear and standing on the sidelines while their youngsters compete. I’m talking about coaching the kids through life. Providing guidance and instruction about the much, much bigger picture than just what goes on in sporting competitions.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been the parent-coach in sports plenty of times. At one point I was simultaneously coaching six soccer teams, and only had kids on five of them. I’ve done my time on the benches, at the fields, and on the practice pitches. I’ve coached multiple sports at the same time. I’ve even coached (or tried to coach) sports that I had limited familiarity with because there were insufficient volunteers to provide adult leadership.
But that was just sports coaching.
I’m talking about a much broader, and more impactful kind of coaching. I’m talking about life coaching. I don’t want to be the guy who has to stand between two of my battling kids. I don’t want to be the one with the whistle trying to restore order after the altercation has broken out. I want to be the guy who teaches the kids how to avoid conflict, how to settle differences when they occur, and generally be a guide to help them become productive members of society. People who have learned to work together, despite differences. People who make a positive difference in the world just by being there.
That’s my real goal.
As my kids have gotten older, I’ve had increasing opportunities to see how my prior refereeing and coaching have worked. I’ve seen them resolve issue that were difficult, fraught with complexity, and highly-charged. I’ve seen them navigate situations that were beyond what I thought they could manage. Yet they’ve not only managed, they’ve actually excelled.
With half the kids entirely moved out of the house, my interactions with them are less frequent. I don’t have the luxury of them seeing my actions on a daily basis. Yet they still call, text, or e-mail for advice on a regular basis. Honestly, we probably communicate more now that they are out of the house than when they lived at home. So my opportunities to be a coach to each one are even more abundant than when they were younger.
For the kids (and my grandson) still living at home, I’m a bit more hands-on. They get to see me at my best, and they have to endure my worst. I’ve come to the realization that everything I do teaches them something. From the moments of unexpected praise that I give them to the times I lose my temper over something…they are watching me and learning all the time.
With the dawning of this year, I’ve been working to try and be more proactive in my coaching of my kids as well as more measured in how I react to things. My goal is to teach them through my words as well as my actions. When you get down to it, I’m actually intentionally trying to teach them through my example.
What a concept!
How about you…are you a referee or a coach to your kids?
